TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally out of location. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, confident, let's have An additional location the place American Adult males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer you everyone a collection within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It really is that he ought to end utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the project, replied, "You realize, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Good tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from space, a aspect getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after locating the creating's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Capabilities


Probably the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, together with:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even involve:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD may have convert-down assistance."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to build a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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